On Inner Waves, Wisdom from Sergius Bulgakov, and Trust Beyond Feelings

A Note from Me

Some weeks I feel caught up in Christ—reading, praying, listening, and sensing God’s nearness. Other weeks, I feel dull. Distracted. Even disinterested. The swing between these two states can be disappointing.

When I was younger, I thought these ups and downs meant something was wrong. The dissonance made me feel like a fraud. But then I started reading through the Christian tradition and I realized this is the story of everyone who seeks God. Saints, mystics, and monks all speak of the same struggle: hearts that burn one moment and flicker the next.

It helped to see that I wasn’t alone.

My hot-and-cold emotions toward Christ weren’t proof of failure but proof of humanity. Feelings rise and fall, but they don’t define the depth of my life with Jesus. What matters more is the return, the steady choosing, the quiet turning toward Christ again and again—even after seasons of emotional distance.

So when you notice the distance, don’t panic.

Try not to put too much confidence in feelings. Instead, keep moving, one step at a time, trusting that God understands, nothing takes him by surprise, and even when we ignore him, he both waits and beckons us back.

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A Voice from the Past

“Like waves in the sea do all these feelings in my soul constantly displace each other: inspirations and then dejections. How surprising is the life of this sea! If only this present depth would remain forever, if only the sea of my soul would not prove the plaything of every wind.”

—Sergius Bulgakov, Spiritual Diary

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A Question to Carry

What helps you keep moving when your interest in Christ fades?

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Turning,

—Jon